Are They Right For You? 13 Things To Consider Before Starting A Relationship
How to be confident with your decision
There’s no way around it: if you want a successful relationship, you need to learn how to pick a partner.
But when it comes to love… it isn’t difficult to get into a complicated or even hurtful situation.
And it’s no wonder.
Education surrounding relationships is poor at best, so we pursue them while vulnerable and unprepared — mostly facilitated by mutual chemistry without a clue as to its cause.
But as expected, a relationship based on illusion inevitably ends in disillusionment and heartache.
As a reaction to this, we may believe that we can’t trust others, or worse: ourselves. We fear we will fall into the same patterns of pain and confusion, and that it’s all that’s out there for us.
In other cases, we may feel inexperienced and afraid; stepping into a new dimension of life that we feel incompetent to navigate.
Whatever our situation, there lurks uncertainty.
But there is another way to go about this.
We start to gain back some control when we pose the question: ‘what constitutes the right choice?’
Making the right choice means knowing what you want and who you want to be. It means knowing yourself. It means illuminating and communicating your needs.
But you won’t know these answers without purposeful reflection.
Through contemplation, you can learn to recognize whether someone is the kind of partner you want to have, and regain trust in your ability to make that decision.
It is for this purpose I have compiled a list of things to consider before getting yourself into a relationship. With a little knowledge and insight, you’re much more likely to evade cupid’s dreaded misfires and experience the love that you deserve.
1. Ask yourself: why them?
Seriously, why them?
A simple question, but can you answer it?
I’ll give you a running start:
Your answer should at least in part be mutual values. If it’s ‘because I’m lonely’ or ‘because they’re hot AF’ then… good for you! But don’t expect longevity.
Spend some time thinking about this and be honest with yourself. If you don’t have a good answer, you may be under the spell of infatuation, which by nature is illusory and unreliable.
You should also ask them: why you?
How are you significant to them? What makes you different and why do they want that? Could they just as easily have picked the next person that came along? If there is no good reason, then technically… you’re replaceable (ouch).
Their answer should feel reaffirming. If it is shallow, you’ll sense this as a lack of confidence and require a better answer if you wish to retain your self-respect.
Sometimes people need time with this question, so you don’t have to demand an answer right away. But you should each know each other’s why’s.
Remember, the answer should have some depth. You might ‘like the same shows’, but would you base a twenty-year commitment on that? I don’t think so.
It starts and ends with the person.
2. The relationship as a conversation
“When entering into a marriage one ought to ask oneself: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman up into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will be devoted to conversation.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
Ignoring the specifics of the quote, Nietzsche makes a good point that assessing the quality of conversation is fundamental. The conversation is the conduit between two personalities that are otherwise isolated worlds. It’s your means of exploring the subtler depths of one another and making decisions together.
Similar intelligence levels, experiencing new things, and learning together will help with the vitality of conversation.
Assessing the conversation:
· Does the conversation lead to higher understanding?
· Is it humorous?
· Is it honest?
· Are feelings accurately communicated?
· Do they listen and care?
· Does it create attraction?
· Is there the right level of challenge?
· Can you both be open with one another?
3. Are you deceiving yourself?
You must know your motivations and not use rationalization to distort these motivations. This can require an elevated level of personal insight. It’s easy to want someone so badly everything else fades to nothing, and to ignore the quiet voice that tells us the truth.
Many people pursue partners for selfish reasons but believe since they are infatuated, it must be love… but are they aware of their own means for fulfilling their needs? And does it really have anything to do with the other person at all?
Are you repressing the real reason you are pursuing someone?
It is possible to hide your true motives even from yourself. Somewhere in your mind, you can deem your real motivations unacceptable, so you overlay a more romantic narrative that passes the moral threshold. This is a narcissistic and subversive deception.
To guard against this, ask yourself what the most unflattering reason for your pursuit may be. If it’s sexual gratification, money, status, attractiveness, escaping loneliness, or they resemble an ex… they are not reasons that are grounded in the love of who you are pursuing.
Give the thought of your motivation some space, time, exclusive attention — and openness to not liking the true answer.
If the reason you want them is not aligned with what they desire from you, then any further pursuit is consciously wasting their time, or plain manipulation.
The honest ‘why’ is what determines the authenticity of the love.
4. Do you hold similar values?
If you hold mutual values, it means the same things or ideas generate meaning for the both of you. In other words, you both derive meaning from life in a similar way.
And what are values?
“They are our convictions regarding what we believe is right and wrong, good or bad, important and desirable. Values express our highest priorities; they are our deepest driving forces… that’s why people fight for their values, and some would die for their values.” — Chana Levitan
Exploring your values involves questioning, reflection, and establishing individual identity.
Discussions could involve such topics as methods of running a household, positions on political issues, activities in life that generate the most meaning for you, the things you most dislike, your spiritual beliefs, and character traits you most admire.
It’s common that your values or a partner’s might not be thought through completely, so it’s a good idea to rationally walk through positions. Avoid identifying with groups as that has a tendency to divide people through labeling and prejudice when otherwise you may be on the same page on an issue-by-issue basis.
5. What do you see when you envision a future with them?
When you think about them, what do you think about?
Do you think about supporting each other’s careers? Do you think about having kids with them? Do you think about passionate sex with them? Do you think about traveling with them? Do you just imagine snuggling on the couch together or telling them about your day?
Notice the vision you have in your head when you think of them and the nature of it.
This can also help reveal to you your own expectations and what you want. This is what you will have to discuss with someone while you date them.
But don’t forget:
Can you be who they need you to be?
We shouldn’t focus so much on what we want in another person that we don’t keep one eye on ourselves. Can you meet what they require of you?
“…too often we focus only on finding an “ideal” partner, when our first concern should be with becoming that which we hope to find.” — Nathaniel Branden
And who do they want to become?
What kind of person are they aiming to be in the world, and is that compatible with your vision for your life and the kind of partner you want? Do they have any evidence of this progression already or is it all talk?
Know to the best of your ability where you’re both heading in life.
6. Don’t expect happiness, expect a journey
In a way, when you pick your person, you pick your poison. You should also know you won’t get joy and pain evenly dispersed with everyone. Some will provide more of one over the other.
It’s common to believe when we search for someone, we are solely seeking pleasure, but what we really get is a story. A story comes with joy and difficulty, so don’t stay too fixated on the ecstasies. This is why it’s necessary to learn about them; to have some control in the matter.
Gradually, you ought to be more open with your stories as things progress (but perhaps light on the specifics) unless you both agree on certain historical irrelevance.
But beware of ‘the past is the past’ philosophy, it’s the same as saying ‘my life doesn’t matter’ or like buying a business without looking at the figures. “Judge not, that you be not judged” in this situation is a testament to naivety.
Judgment is a scary word in the context of such vulnerability so let me clarify:
You’re judging what’s right for you, not how others are wrong.
People generally already know their errors, so hold a space of compassion and be charitable where you can — especially if they have grown, and you can tell by their honesty.
Relationships therapist Esther Perel talks about the shock people have when they find themselves playing a role they didn’t sign up for. This would happen a lot less if people actually cared about who they are dealing with rather than becoming possessed by wishful thinking.
Try to learn enough about their story so you can gauge what your story might be together.
People avoid doing this because it’s not sympathetic to completely rule someone out over certain conditions, but the alternative is worse. You also must not be too averse to inconveniences. Ask yourself what you’re willing to take.
There is no perfect match, but you can find someone of value.
“After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony”
― Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello
Happiness doesn’t mean a thing if our partner does not present an opportunity to grow.
7. What are your needs?
There’s a reason you’re considering a relationship.
You plan for it to fulfill your needs in your life as it will fulfill your partner’s as well. These needs cannot be anything other than totally explicit.
Rely on expectation and you’ll find yourself resentful for not getting what you assumed you would.
What can be expected is that you and your partner should be putting in a similar amount of effort for each other. Reciprocity is incredibly important to maintain a mutually fulfilling relationship.
Negotiating each other’s needs and expectations is essential for the emotional contract you’re signing up for.
8. What don’t you want to happen again?
If you’ve had some past experiences that have left a scar or two, take note.
It’s not an exciting exercise but think of the times when you felt your worst.
What was the dynamic? Why didn’t it work? What needs weren’t met? What were the things you valued that were missing?
These can be values like trust, reciprocity, respect, understanding, honesty, or attentiveness.
Is there anything about this new person that’s different?
9. Friends First
Now, it can be complicated to be ‘friends’. If either of you have a vague sense of the other being attractive, that’s a seed that can grow (especially after a few drinks).
But maybe you want that, and being friends is a great way to get a feeling for the other person without so much romantic pressure. It will be easier to act natural without a high amount of emotional investment. This is a great period for determining any red flags as the ambiguity of the situation acts as a layer of personal protection from a hurt ego.
It’s also a great technique if you’ve fallen into infatuation and are losing the ability to act natural. Convince yourself to think of them as if they’re a friend again and you can feel some of that pressure melt away.
10. Chemistry isn’t everything
So why do we get ourselves into bad arrangements? Because generally, we are led by infatuation.
People tend to think that complete and instant infatuation is love at first sight and evidence of ‘the one’.
Think of how many people you may be sexually attracted to. That’s somewhat a broad range, right? Now think about how many of them you’d be compatible with emotionally. That number should go down drastically.
Trusting chemistry is like trusting sexual attraction as a guide for love. This expansive compatibility is great for the survival of the species when life is fragile but is no path to a fulfilling relationship.
The pool of compatible people of this kind is far fewer where sexual attraction or infatuation are negligible indicators. In fact, infatuation can cause us to ignore warning signs and contort ourselves into someone we think the other person would like.
Real love is built as experiences add to bonding. There must be a spark, but according to Chana Levitan, the sparks are the twigs that kindle the fire and the values are the logs that keep the fire burning. Unfortunately, we fall under the illusion that the more twigs there are, the better the fire but…
“The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”
― Lao Tzu
11. The relationship as a negotiation
In relationships there is no perfect person, only a trade-off. Ignoring the selfish tone for a second, will you be getting enough of what you want that it outweighs what you don’t want?
And are you able to offer what they want?
You need to evaluate this based on your values, vision, needs, and goals. Identify where things don’t line up and decide whether they can be negotiated on, worked through, or sacrificed.
When you’re interested in somebody else, it can be tempting to overlook details that you weren’t really willing to compromise on — causing resentment.
You need to ensure you aren’t making sacrifices you don’t want to make and are only making because you’re forcing it to work.
Can they fit neatly enough in your particular puzzle for the image to make sense?
12. Know your limits
This is a darker topic but an essential one for either sex.
You need to protect yourself.
Know the signs of either physical or emotional abuse. Know how to recognize being isolated from friends and family, or repeated compensatory remorse after crossing a line.
Make a deal with yourself in that any sign of violence and you’re out. Learn the signs of abuse before getting into a relationship so you’ll immediately recognize if it’s happening to you.
And just in general, you should understand your boundaries explicitly, and develop skill in assertiveness — especially if you’re a naturally agreeable person.
13. Know how you each value intimacy
I have written about this more extensively elsewhere, but it’s very important to know how each of you values physical and emotional intimacy.
Are one night stands with strangers permissible to either of you? What does your ideal sex life look like? Are you waiting for marriage? Are either of you wanting to keep the relationship open? Do you want to be each other’s sole focus?
A wide mismatch here gets ugly and painful. One can feel a sense of their personal significance and pride ripped from under them, and another may feel betrayed by unfair judgment or expectations.
Embracing uncertainty
After you’ve assessed the risk, all it does is maximize your chances of success. You won’t know for certain if it will actually succeed. You don’t know the challenges that will come down the line. And maybe the relationship won’t be given the proper chance until you take the leap of faith.
It is wise to be reserved after negative experiences, but sometimes saying yes to life is taking a risk.
After considering everything, it ultimately comes down to one question:
Is it worth a shot?
